I made a post a long time ago… About why I am the way I am with everything. And it does have a lot to do with my childhood and my mom. And how she played my dad for the money. So when my dad was dying, she only stayed with him because she knew that it wasn’t going to be long before he died. And if she stayed with him til he died, she would inherit everything. So he died shortly after. And once she inherited everything, she abandoned me. For this guy in another state, that she had been cheating on my dad with for years.
So I grew up poor. And thank goodness I had older siblings to house me. But as I’ve gotten older… I’ve realized just how much this moment in my life has influenced my decision making. My decision making process with everyyyything. Everything from self-growth to my relationships. When I was a kid, even though I was poor, I knew that one day I would work myself up to someone who was successful. I didn’t think I would. I knew. Because to me there was no other way I wanted it. I wanted to be so successful that if my mom ever came back or if I ever ran into my mom when I got older… I could show her how well I’ve done without her. I wanted it to be the largest indirect “Fuck you!” If I ever saw her again. And to let her know that if she ever wanted to try to fix things with me… That she couldn’t. And there would be nothing she could offer me that she could buy my respect with. Because I would already have everything.
And then on the dating level. I’ve realized that I’ve always only dated people of the same financial status as myself. Not because I think I’m better. Never that. But because it makes us equal. When I was poor, I was interested in people who were equally poor. I initially liked them for their mind-set and because we could relate to each other, yes. But then when I got older and more financially stable, I noticed that… I would only be interested in maintaining a relationship with someone who made an equal amount of income as me or more. And I think I do that because I just figured, if we make the same amount of money, there is no way that my relationship could ever be screwed over like my parents. Because if a person I’m dating, makes the same amount or more, money can’t be an issue because we are equal. So if the person I’m dating, is with me, there would only be 2 possibilities for why they would be with me. For my personality or for my looks.
So now that I’m realizing that I think this way… I’m wondering if I have limited my relationship pool. In the sense that I don’t allow myself to build relationship connections with people who make lesser income than myself.