I made a post a long time ago… About why I am the way I am with everything. And it does have a lot to do with my childhood and my mom. And how she played my dad for the money. So when my dad was dying, she only stayed with him because she knew that it wasn’t going to be long before he died. And if she stayed with him til he died, she would inherit everything. So he died shortly after. And once she inherited everything, she abandoned me. For this guy in another state, that she had been cheating on my dad with for years.
So I grew up poor. And thank goodness I had older siblings to house me. But as I’ve gotten older… I’ve realized just how much this moment in my life has influenced my decision making. My decision making process with everyyyything. Everything from self-growth to my relationships. When I was a kid, even though I was poor, I knew that one day I would work myself up to someone who was successful. I didn’t think I would. I knew. Because to me there was no other way I wanted it. I wanted to be so successful that if my mom ever came back or if I ever ran into my mom when I got older… I could show her how well I’ve done without her. I wanted it to be the largest indirect “Fuck you!” If I ever saw her again. And to let her know that if she ever wanted to try to fix things with me… That she couldn’t. And there would be nothing she could offer me that she could buy my respect with. Because I would already have everything.
And then on the dating level. I’ve realized that I’ve always only dated people of the same financial status as myself. Not because I think I’m better. Never that. But because it makes us equal. When I was poor, I was interested in people who were equally poor. I initially liked them for their mind-set and because we could relate to each other, yes. But then when I got older and more financially stable, I noticed that… I would only be interested in maintaining a relationship with someone who made an equal amount of income as me or more. And I think I do that because I just figured, if we make the same amount of money, there is no way that my relationship could ever be screwed over like my parents. Because if a person I’m dating, makes the same amount or more, money can’t be an issue because we are equal. So if the person I’m dating, is with me, there would only be 2 possibilities for why they would be with me. For my personality or for my looks.
So now that I’m realizing that I think this way… I’m wondering if I have limited my relationship pool. In the sense that I don’t allow myself to build relationship connections with people who make lesser income than myself.
I’m posting this because I see so many people on Tumblr bashing themselves and other people. Some people even make it factual that they aren’t good enough for anything. And some make such disrespectful posts about their parents. About things that they most likely don’t even understand or that aren’t even important. And that’s what the problem is. People just plain don’t understand these days. And they use the not understanding part to rip themselves apart and others. And they think that there’s no hope.
I want to tell you guys a few things. About myself and the most inspirational person in my life. But first I have to talk about myself for a little bit. Give you all some proper introduction. I’m going to open up about myself a good amount, so please be respectful. I’m not here to bash or put any of you down. And I don’t care about likes or reblogs or attention. I’m making this to help you guys understand how things work.
So here it goes. My name is Claude, and I’m 24 years old. And I have thousands of followers on Tumblr. I know that a ton of my followers have this specific perception of me. People tell me that I’m cute and intelligent all the time. A lot of you think that I’m perfect. I get a lot of praise for answering all of your messages seeking personal advice. I get a lot of respect for the little conclusions that I post at the end of my day. And I get a lot of compliments for my personal fashion and fashion posts. And those of you who constantly message me often ask me why my advice to you sounds so easy to understand, and wondering why I understand so many things. And I hope this helps you to understand why I am the way that I am, as well as inspires you all.
Growing up I was pretty damn poor. I didn’t really have many nice things. But I always had great friends. I didn’t have a relationship with my parents. My dad was a violent retired Army veteran, who served time as a tortured prisoner in the Korean War. And I believe that is why he never really spoke about normal things and why he was so temperamental. And my mom was and still is a drug addict. My mom’s best friend introduced my mom to this drug called Crank, before I even started elementary school. Along with other drugs. As a result her beautiful personality and view on life deteriorated pretty fast. She changed drastically by the time I graduated from middle school. She got high all night and slept all day.We fought all the time and never really spoke to eachother unless we were fighting from one of her drug related mood swings.
I didn’t care about many things growing up. And I had a pretty big attitude problem. I got into fights, and I stole things. I even drank and did drugs. Not because I thought it was cool, but because they numbed me from life. I just plain, didn’t care about anything. I was already dropping out by my sophomore year of high school. I was failing every single subject. And I stopped coming to school. And then one day where I actually decided to go to class, I was called to the principals office. Turns out that an anonymous student told my English teacher about some things that she heard about my life. And the English teacher reported it to the Principal. From that day on, I was required to come to class every day and see a school Social Worker twice a week to attempt to get my life back on track.
By this time, I had made the choice to run away from home (after a really big fist fight with my mom). I ran away to my big sister’s house in another city. It was an 8-9 hour walk, I even ran some of it to make it go by faster. I only had the clothes on my back and nothing else. And I’ve never been back home since. My school Social Worker arranged a meeting between my older siblings, my mother and I, not too long after (my siblings are all 10-20 years older than me and live in other cities). Where we discussed that my siblings would split custody of me. And it was agreed that living with my siblings was the best decision for me. And my sister Monica agreed that her house would be my main living environment until I graduated from high school.
And from that day on, I started straightening myself up. Because my sister Monica put me in my place. She told me “If you live here, you’re going to go to school every day, do homework every day, and you’re going to start doing chores and eventually get a job. If you don’t then you can’t live here. I’m not going to baby you, eventually you need to learn. You need to learn how to take care of yourself and stop being this way, and stop relying on me for everything. Because what are you going to do with yourself if I die tomorrow?” And that right there, put things into perspective real quick.
I started going to school every day. Thank goodness I have such good friends. They welcomed me back as if I had never left. And I really could tell that they missed me. All my teachers negotiated things with me. I was given all my homework that I had missed for more than half of the entire year, and I was given a 1 month extension. My close friend Derek helped me with homework almost every day, especially with Chemistry, because I hated that subject the most. And after a month, I raised all my F’s to B’s. And I was able to move on to being a Junior with my friends.
I was always very smart I just needed some inspiration and tough love with no remorse. And that’s what I got. Growing up with my big sister, I was taught to say my “yes ma’am”(s) and “yes sir”(s)… “Please” and “Thank you” were always required. And if I ever disrespected her, I was slapped silly. She always told me “If you’re not happy, then do something about it. Go somewhere else where you will be happy. It’s your choice to be stuck being sad or not”…. She also told me something that I still keep with me til this day. And that’s “If you don’t understand something, you better ask questions until you do understand. Don’t just sit there and say you understand, if you really don’t. If you don’t ask the right questions to get the right answers, how will you get anywhere? And being mad is a waste of energy. In the amount of time it took you to be pissed off about something stupid, you could have been spending less energy doing something that makes you happy”.
That’s what I want you guys to take from this. That there are always choices. And that it took all of this for me to become who I am today. So many of you hate your parents for loving you too much, and they actually take care of you. So many people pick on other people over stupid things, and over ego issues (like it’s going to give them points in life). And so many people complain about not getting all these little material things that they like, and wanting their parents to buy all this crap for them to make them temporarily happy. If you want something, go get it yourself. Go ask all the right questions to figure out what you need to do to get what you want. Find things and people that make you want to wake up the next day, and spend time with them all over again. And most importantly, remember to take care of yourself and others. Everything I own, I have bought by myself with my own hard work. I’ve been working since I was a teenager. If my sister had never put me in my place and taught me common courtesy and manners, I would have never graduated from high school, I would have never gone to college, and I most definitely would never have the job for the company that I work for today. And I would not be the person you all praise me for being. Thank you for reading.